Infinite Possibilities

  

“She's got infinite possibilities

I can see them now

It's the unbroken chains of his past by which she was bound

She's got infinite possibilities

I can feel them now

If she chooses well, then nothing can tear her down”

~ Amel Larrieux – Infinite Possibilities

I’m learning it’s a conscious decision to hold onto happiness and peace of mind. As I have started focusing and endeavoring to stay on the right side of bliss, I’ve noticed that things still come to knock the breath out of me. The difference is I haven’t been so quick to relinquish my stance and determination to remain afloat. I think writing things in black and white has helped me to stay fixated.  It’s harder to play ignorant or ignore the truth when it’s staring you in the face.

Talking to my best friend, my lobster, it made me think about the days when I wanted to throw in the towel. Shit was hard for so long, it became tiring and overwhelming. At times, it felt like it would be easier to just go to sleep and not ever get up. In those moments, for some reason, I didn’t let myself just quit; even when I wanted to quit. It’s like I couldn’t and I would keep hearing, “If you don’t quit, you win!” For years I would chant this mantra to myself hoping one day I’d win…and I finally feel I’ve turned the corner and can tangibly see the win.

I think back to the days of my car being taken, being stranded at home, cell phone turned off, no water, getting water in a bucket from the neighbor’s spicket…man. From single parenthood, to literally not knowing how I was going to feed my child and eat, shit was hard! Facing foreclosure then not being able to get an apartment because some white woman in jail for meth distribution’s criminal record was coming up on mine. The oddest things would happen, stuff you only see on TV. I felt like I was living a ‘made for TV movie’ life getting my car booted while parked at a meter that had money/time on it. How does that happen? Who gets picked up by the constable at work and drug downtown to be forced to give a deposition regarding their shady real estate person? I mean literally walked downstairs by my manager and delivered to the police! Who does this kind of stuff happen to? Oh, let’s not forget the time I was straight up arrested at work during a warrant round up but the warrant was blank. I spent an entire day in jail, even had to put on the striped clothes like on cartoons before a judge had me released because I was arrested/warrant issued in error. WTF!

I got so used to shit being hard, as whatever was following me lifted, I kept flinching waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has taken a while to grasp that life is better and will not fall apart. It is just now sinking in the bottom is not going to fall out from under me; things are actually coming together. I sometimes sit on the couch and refute all of the things that come to mind about how I could be thrust back into hell one by one. I’m glad I’m finally able to disprove them. It has taken a while to retrain my brain to not expect the worst but to expect the best. As I’m reeducating and rehabilitating myself, I see as I expect something different, I’m getting something different. The more positivity and greatness I expect, the more I see. Hmmmm, isn’t that what God said? Expecting a fabulous future used to be easier said than done; glad to be redirected.

Funk-O-Meter = 3.5

Days Without 'Cupcake' = 15