Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

“Was what you got worth losing me?

Now all your lies have caught up wit your game.

It's a different picture, but in the same old frame.

Tell me was it...

Tell me was it worth it”

~ Keyshia Cole – Was It Worth It

I was thinking about the fact every relationship I’ve ever been in, I was cheated on. Why? I would always tell myself that it wasn’t me, I gave everything to the relationship, I didn’t deserve to be cheated on. But why can I not think of one relationship where infidelity wasn’t an issue?

Maybe it goes along with picking the wrong people. I’ve come to understand as much as I didn’t like being mistreated, since I didn’t deal with the abuse of my past I seemed to be drawn to people that treated me the same way. Growing up, I knew you usually become like your parents effortlessly. I was determined NOT to become my mother and her mother! I think I spent many years consciously making decisions and looking at how I was moving forward in effort to become my own person that did not share the characteristics I despised in my mother. I was so focused on not becoming her, I didn’t realize I was choosing her in my relationships; repeating the mistreatment. Not just her, but the abusers. Now that I’m secure in myself and relieved I am not a replica of my moms, I am shifting my focus to picking healthy relationships.

Back to this cheating thing. I had a relationship where I cheated…often. I never got caught but I knew the relationship would never work because there were things I wasn’t getting and would never get from him. Is that why I’ve been cheated on? Are there things I’m not doing, needs I’m not fulfilling that cause them to search elsewhere? When we have the post relationship analysis conversation, I ask and they always say there wasn’t anything I did wrong or wasn’t doing for them. But how can you take the word of a lying cheat? They lied repeatedly to cover their tracks so why wouldn’t they lie to try and smooth things over?  

Some relationships survive unfaithfulness. People are able to forgive, work through it, maybe go to counseling to repair their relationship. I can’t. I tried in my last relationship to get over it or look past it but it was always there in the back of my mind. I’d forgiven them but I couldn’t rebuild the trust. I believe it goes back to my deep rooted trust issues with all of humanity, let alone someone that has cheated on me proving they cannot be trusted. Everyone is different but for me, once trust is broken, it’s irrevocable. I’ve learned if betrayed, I should move on and not waste any further time as that is something I am not able to let go of.  

I am determinedly endeavoring to enact a better, more stringent selection process to break the cycle of duplicity. The common denominator in all of the previous relationships is me so I have to do something different to get something different.  

Funk-O-Meter = 3.5

Days Without 'Cupcake' = 8