TWEET!! Flag on the play!

"I'm sorry that I'm leaving

I'm sorry that I stayed

I'm sorry that I ever let you treat me that way

But I accept my apology

I'm gonna do better by me

I wrote this song to say I forgive me"

~ Kelly Price - I'm Sorry

 So my blog accountability partner convicted me today. The point of me blogging was to be real and dig deep into myself and I’ve been hiding. I still want to go back and delete Day 1, feel naked and uncomfortable but what I have and where I am is a direct result of what I’ve been doing. If I want something different, to go somewhere different, I have to do something different. I read a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of:

 “Make easy decisions and live a hard life or make hard decisions and live an easy life.” ~ unknown

Well I’m tired of living a hard life and I am ready to make some hard decisions. When I start feeling down or frustrated with not being where I want to be in certain areas of my life due to choices I’ve made along the way, I have to remind myself that I’ve started the correction process. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I started making  the hard decisions to change the course of my life but just one change does not a renovation make.

While walking my sweet Chloee muffin this morning, she was running full speed and dragging me towards a dead end. I wondered what the heck is she going to do when she gets as far as she can go? Doesn’t she see that there is no outlet this direction? This made me think why have I done the same thing in relationships?

I look back over the past several relationships and if I’m honest with myself, I was running full speed toward a dead end. I can pinpoint a moment, an action, a statement during the initial “getting to know each other” period when it was clear the relationship was not going to be what  I wanted or needed it to be; most during the first few days. I can isolate instances when I saw a red flag and heard alarms going off but simply ignored them. Why? I fully comprehend it is impossible to change someone yet I forged on.  Did I hope I could love them enough to make them want to change or become what I needed? I know it’s not because I only saw what I wanted to see because I saw the truth. I saw the incompatibility, the commitment phobia, and the blatant meanness from the onset. I contorted and conformed myself hoping I could accept the way things were to the point I became unrecognizable to myself.

This led to one of my hardest decisions to date. There was a red flag and illegal play that was so atrocious I couldn’t look away. I could no longer try to adapt myself in order to lessen the pain so I decided to leave. I have to keep reminding myself this decision was a step in the right direction. That if I continue to make the tough choices, life will get easier even though I’m still sifting through some of the hard life deposited from previous decisions.

Funk-O-Meter = 1.5