@#&%!!!

“Lies, lies, using lies as alibis. Lie's, lies, just a devil in disguise.” ~ En Vogue

I’m flabbergasted, immobile, mute. I just found out my daughter is on academic probation with a shocking GPA. Disappointment doesn’t seem adequate enough a word to describe how I feel at this moment. I feel like I got punched in the stomach and my head stomped.

I remember when I figured out I was pregnant. Due to how it came to be, I immediately researched getting an abortion. A couple nights before I was scheduled to go in, something happened to change everything. I was lying in the bed watching TV and I felt movement in my stomach. At first I thought it was gas or something I ate until it happened again. It happened a few more times without a steady rhythm or consistency. In that moment, I knew that was another life. I couldn’t stop the movements, I couldn’t start them; I had no control over what was happening within my own body so I had no right to terminate a life that had already begun.

Now what to do? I was a child myself so how was I going to raise a baby? I couldn’t tell anyone, who do I talk to? God. I did the only thing I knew how to do, pray. In bed that night, the Bible story of Hannah came to my mind. Hannah was an old lady that was never able to have kids and all she wanted was a son. She prayed asking God to give her a son that if He did, she would give him back to God to serve God all of his days. So I told God right then that I didn’t ask for this but if I was going to commit to having a baby, I would commit to giving them back to God. I told God that it wasn’t my baby, but His and I would make sure they grew up knowing God.

Now my little blessing has turned on me. Not only did she let me down with the lies, lack of responsibility, and failure to do the minimal, SHE BLAMED ME! This child I fought so hard for to ensure she had everything she needed for a better start in life sent me an email explaining that it was the unreasonable pressure I put on her and me not being there for her throughout her life that caused her grades to plummet. My daughter told me that school was hard and she knew I wouldn’t understand that because I expected too much out of her. An “F” in Intro to Visual Arts?! Really?! That’s some bullshit! Even if I was Mommy Dearest and beat her every day with wire hangers, what the hell does that have to do with her going to class?!?!?!

I know I wasn’t the model or perfect parent but I couldn’t have been that bad. Can’t she see all that I did was in an effort to prevent her from the hardships I was enduring with her by my side. At her present age, I had a four year old her. I made sure she was in the best schools possible, even if that meant I had to pay more to live in the district. For her to come from a single parent home, she never lacked anything she needed and had the majority of her desires fulfilled. So what the hell did I do that was so wrong?

So many thoughts rolling through my mind preventing sweet slumber. I want to take the car back since she needs to either stay on campus or get a job/house somewhere on her own. I want her to finish school and am afraid if she leaves PV, she won’t. If she stays, can she turn it around? She’s too far into her degree program to go to community college. Maybe she should find a real job and work for a while. If I take her car back, what am I gonna do with it? I don’t need two cars. Can she get oncampus housing this late in the game? Has she made/saved enough to pay off her houlds to see if she can work something out for housing?

I think I’m going to lie back down for a while. @#$%$@#%^ (ßthose are cuss words)

Funk-O-Meter = 3.5