Where To Now?

“The days are overwhelming

I swear I just can't tell if I'm

Coming or going, I wish I was all knowing

Cause I wanna fly, but what if I

Fall right on my face

But I can't stop here, I gotta face my fear

Or every day before this was in vein 

 

 

So I got to keep on going on

 And I can't stop for nothing

 So I got to keep going on and on and on 

 

My anxiety is killing me

Sleepless nights I must defeat

Cause nothing's really wrong

Guess it just took so long

For me to get to the place, I wanted to be

Now that I'm here, I gotta face my fear

Or every day before this was in vein 

 

So I got to keep on going on

And I can't stop for nothing

So I got to keep going on and on and on”

 

~ Vivian Green – Keep On Going

 

 

I’m out of words. I’m not at a loss of words. I hear words in my head; I just don’t possess the desire to voice them. The thought of speaking aloud is somewhat cumbersome for me at the moment. I’m sure listening to Fantasia’s new CD on repeat is not going to help me fashion any friendly words anytime soon either lol! [Akina T, GREAT reco on this CD.]

 

For the past few days, I’ve been quiet. Reflective. Melodic, listening to ALL of the music in my iTunes on shuffle, not just a particular playlist so that means some praise & worship, rap, R&B, neo soul, country and even some classical and instrumental tunes. I catch the phone ring or hear the text notification go off and feel absolutely no urgency or aspiration to retrieve the telephonic device. It feels like a chain tethering me to things I don’t really want to be tied to. This morning when I got in the car, I had 17 missed texts. Instead of checking them, I tucked my phone back deep into my purse, pushed play on the iPod, turned the volume up to a level that made my internal thoughts inaudible and rode out. At work, my door has been closed and iTunes blasting. I have actually gotten more work done in the past two days than I had in the previous two weeks…I’m just saying.

 

I’ve never really “felt” different after a birthday but for some reason, I have been feeling extremely different this year. I don’t feel like the same polite, poised, polished and planned C. Love I’ve always been. I think that is part of where Nicki Flash emanated from. Things I used to enjoy don’t move me. Stuff I once abhorred I find myself delighting in. Is this part of the evolution of C? I’m not speaking of the drunken and debaucherous birthday foolery that Nicki Flash unleashed on the world (…because Nicki struck more than one state on multiple occasions). Rather the internal dreams and visions that are morphing into something unrecognizable. 

 

As I approach the end of the map I previously pieced together…I find myself asking what’s next? Where do I want to go? Not where do I feel I HAVE to go or where is it I am expected to go, but in which direction does my HEART earnestly desire to venture? All of my life I have been planned; partially because I’m naturally inclined to be so but more so because I had to be. I did all of the things I judged necessary for survival of self and rearing of my mini-me. Now. At this very moment. Mini-me is an adult. I’ve developed my own archetypes and ideology severely differing from that of Mommy and Daddy. I am romantically uncommitted, which means I am not investing all that I am in support of or building someone else’s dream. I have all of my faculties and resources available to concentrate on crafting ME!

 

I’ve shifted from waiting, hoping, wishing and praying that THAT person would throw me over their shoulder and caveman me to being excited to build my own boulevard and advance alone. I started looking in the mirror and asking God to reveal myself the way HE sees me; capable, competent and cherished. Literally, I sat in the sink (“crisscross applesauce” as Akina T would say) with my nose against the mirror praying when it hurt until the pain subsided. Guess I need to sit my behind back in the sink until I’m no longer anxious about having the next steps figured out, outlined and footnoted. Nicki Flash is showing me that it’s ok to keep pushing forward even when you don’t know what’s around the bend. Not knowing doesn’t have to be scary, it could be a fun, fabulous and spectacular surprise. I'm retraining the brain to understand those things that are unknown are not monstrous, frightful and treacherous. The best things and people I’ve EVER experienced in my life were not noted on my list, mapped out or planned. 

 

Whichever way this road leads me, I can’t keep forgetting or taking my eyes off of “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23” It’s too excruciating when I do and I don’t know how many more times I can recover… 

2013’s amended mantra: “If I don't quit, I win...because the best is yet to come!”