IN-Rage!! In a damn RAGE!!

“Y'all gon' make me lose my mind up in here, up in here

Y'all gon' make me go all out up in here, up in here

Y'all gon' make me act a FOOL up in HERE, up in here

Y'all gon' make me lose my cool up in here, up in here

Hold up! GGRRRRRRRRRR!

One.. two.. meet me outside meet me outside, meet me outside

All my Ruff Ry-DERS gon' meet me outside meet me outside, meet me outside”

~ DMX – Party Up

Tossing things around at home like the Tasmanian Devil, I hear out of the corner of my ear: 

LaTocha Scott: “How has therapy worked out for you?”

Keke Wyatt: “Pretty good. I don’t want to choke somebody to death until they’re dead.”

(clip from R&B Divas Season Two Episode 2)

 

That was the first guttural laugh I’ve had all week. I needed that!!! I’ve recently become acquainted with a new emotion I thought I’d experienced before but come to find out I hadn’t: 

 

 

You see I picked the angriest person on the planet that growls on the regular for my song clip! I am assuming the inner turmoil and churning of emotion I feel inside has to be a culmination of everything that has been going on. I don’t get it though, I’ve been through more infuriating circumstances, many of which coinciding and overlapping, and have NEVER felt this freaking furious.

 

I feel like fury is seeping out of my pores. I have to be careful if I open my mouth to be mindful of whom I’m speaking to. The work “fuck” has become overused in my vocab; like my verbal form of a comma. It has to be hormones. HAS to be. I’m having some extra “boobage” going on too and I don’t know where these things came from so I think blaming hormones might be accurate. 

 

Whatever the cause, I am a ferocious, gnashing, scratching, biting and scratching BEAST! In the midst of this hormonal explosion, somebody messed up and became my outlet. We shall call her "Benefits Bitch."

 

 [side note: I don’t use “bitch” as a term of endearment but as a derogatory term meaning a mean, spiteful, malicious, unpleasant person…and most of the time they are men.]  

Anywhoo, the Benefits Bitch dun f’d up and was sitting on my money. I guess she didn’t think it was a big deal but when I asked her about it directly and she lied to my face, blowing me off…I-D-Clared-War (remember that card game?!) It may have taken a week of emails, screenshots, PDF attachments and constant harassing but she must have taken my sweet, pleasant work demeanor for that of an idiot that would just swallow her bullshit. She picked the wrong person on the wrong week. I would like to thank my Wifey for making me stand down and not get fired and my coworker ShoeDazzle for making sure I wasn’t throwing toooooo much sand with my emails because I wanted to give her the mutha f@#$ing BUSINESS!!!! Wifey said not to walk down to her office anymore unaccompanied to ensure I didn’t uncontrollably “windmill” on Benefits Bitch. What made me laugh is I could soooooo see myself doing it since I’d already snapped on a stranger, broken a computer mouse that didn’t move fast enough and ran Chloee out of the bed on more than one occasion.  

I can finally say I’ve been an angry Black woman. I can check that off the list. Been there done that. I don’t like it. I would like my lovely disposition back, please and thank you…before somebody gets hurt!

Days Until Graduation: ...I don't even know. More than one, which is too damn many (see, just mean for no reason!) ...I should have listened to Wifey when she tried to "put me down" like an infant hours ago and gone to bed. She is always right. SO!! *eye roll*