Birthday Eve

“It took a while, now I understand

Just where I'm going

I know the world and I know who I am

It's 'bout time I show it

I'm a grown woman

I can do whatever I want”

Grown Woman ~ Beyoncé

I’m sitting in my office on the eve of being 38 and had an interesting thought. From 35-37, I felt as though I’d missed the boat, was too late and everything I ever wanted was no longer available to me. Today I feel as though I just started living.

Looking back over past last six months, I’ve undergone a metamorphosis. Cutting my hair was just a part of it. I’ve seen the death, burial and resurrection of myself. Decided to live, but to do it the way I want instead of the way I’ve believed I was supposed to. I’m comfortable with who and where I am…well aside from the added weight meds put on me but I have something for that ass!

I decided to live. I’ve started doing things I enjoy and finding ways to be compensated for playing. I sincerely believe bartending school was a divine idea. I love bartending! It combines drinks, music and food in a creative manner. I get to interact with a variety of people. It never feels like work when I’m doing it. Doing HR Consulting on the side feels seamless and easy as well. I realized in the midst of drowning I’m more credible and know more than I thought I did. If I was able to set up an HR operation in less than three months w/o batting an eye, I should commend myself and recognize I possess more HR knowledge than I’ve previously credited myself for. I lacked the confidence not caring what people expect has given me.

Part of me has always thought I wasn’t gifted and that the things I do well in, others can do just as well if not better. I now see that everyone can’t look at a resume and reshape it in less than an hour. I thought back over the years, how many resumes I’ve done, interview preps I’ve assisted on and the promotions and jobs I’ve assisted others in attaining. For a long time I was frustrated with God wanting to know why everyone else was getting new jobs and being promoted while I was in the same place. I NOW see I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

Someone asked if I was turning 21 again or 30. I quickly said nope, I’m 38! I want credit for alllllllll my years of life experience and struggle. At 21 and 30, I didn’t see the awesome woman I am turning out to be. I didn’t fathom I would actually think of something I love to do and then go out and do it. I thought life was about being responsible and doing what you’re expected to do. In my 20s, I didn’t know I could be responsible AND fulfilled. I was young, naïve, gullible where now I am confident and sure. Who would want to go back to being dumb lol!

My life isn’t over. It just started. January of 2014 was the rebirth of me and I’m excited to be four months into this journey.