I Don't Give A F#@$!

“Took me a while, but i'm finally here

 So I just wanna testify, make it CRYSTAL clear

 See I've been picked out, to be picked on

Talked about out my friend's mouth

I've been beat down, til' He turned my life around 

I used to, wake up some days, and wished I had stayed asleep

Cuz I went to bed on top of the world, today the world's on top of me

Now everybody's got opinions

They ain't been in my position  and they don’t care

And it breaks my heart when I hear

What they have to say about me 

I'm not perfect

Yes I do wrong

I'm trying my best

But it ain't good enough

But the Lord is so good to me

Shunned by the world

If I don't succeed

Cuz I ain't good enough

But He still loves me   

Seems like I always fall short of being worthy

Cuz I ain't good enough, but He still loves me

I ain't no superstar, spotlight ain't shinin' on me

Cuz I ain't good enough, He still loves me”

He Still Loves Me ~ Eddie Levert & Beyoncé

This past summer during my “sabbatical,” I used to listen to this song while walking the neighborhood. I realized I needed to let some things go. Felt like Sophia from The Color Purple and “all my life I had ta fight!” I THOUGHT I had to fight. Thought I had to fight other people’s assumptions that I was a fast, slut-monkey whore that went out and get herself knocked up at 16. Thought I had to fight the judgment when people would ask how old I was when they realized how old my daughter was and I’d watch them mentally do the math. Thought I had to fight the expectations that I wouldn't amount to shit. Thought I had to fight the assumptions that I was going to end up another stereotyped statistic poor, on welfare, strung out on crack with twentyeleven kids.

I’m now realizing my employment “hiatus” may be the best thing that has happened to me. It liberated me. I moved into a place of I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! (yes Ken, I used a bad word. It's not a sin, just bad manners). I don’t care what people think about me cutting off my hair. I don’t care what people think I should be doing w/ my career and degrees. I don’t care if people are going to trip about a visible tattoo. I don’t care if people assume I’m streetbooty. I don’t care if family thinks I’m stuck up because I don’t hang out w/ the pedophiles. I don’t care if people think it’s inappropriate for me to be slangin’ drinks as a mixologist. Obviously I don't care if people think I shouldn't use the word fuck.

I thought I didn't care what people thought before… but I did. I was living my life in fast, hard race to prove everyone and everything wrong instead of living for myself. I busted my ass to raise a kid that didn't end up pregnant or on drugs. I damn near killed myself trying to live the way I thought I was supposed to in order to demonstrate to the world I was worthy of being thought of highly and not a disappointment. And I almost did it. I almost allowed the pressures of my own mental mêlée beat me down to nearly nothing. It doesn't matter if anyone thinks I am a good person as long as I’m good with God. I could have been the perfect person and it would have never been enough.  That’s why it was necessary for Jesus to clear all that up. Pressure busts pipes and I am done imploding on myself lol!! Honey badgers don't give a shit! 

I am Tom!