I lived. I loved.

"I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time

Know there was something that, meant something that I left behind

When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets

Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here

I lived, I loved

I was here

I did, I've done everything that I wanted

And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here

I want to say I lived each day, until I died

And know that I meant something in, somebody's life

The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave

That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here

I lived, I loved

I was here

I did, I've done everything that I wanted

And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here

I lived, I loved

I was here

I did, I've done everything that I wanted

And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here

I just want them to know

That I gave my all, did my best

Brought someone some happiness

Left this world a little better just because

I was here"

I Was Here - Beyoncé

I hope I am living my life in such a way there will be a legacy of love when I am no longer here. It took a long time of career testing, soul searching, polling family & friends and beseeching The Lord, trying to figure out what my purpose is in this life. Why am I here? What am I supposed to be doing? 

As a Melacholy, Taurean, introverted-extrovert person, I've always analyzed, pondered, assessed and then reassessed if I was on the right path. Am I making the right decisions to attain fulfillment? It took the bottom falling out of life to finally see how simple my call actually is...

LOVE 

Pastor would always say do what you love and the money will come. Guidance counselors recommended figuring out what I enjoy doing most and not focusing on the career paycheck aspects. I would always think I enjoy loving the people I love, relationships, supporting and encouraging those I care for in anyway possible...but that's not a job. You can't make money being the background to everyone's foreground. 

As I look back on things and see how many people I've helped get jobs or promoted, prepare for interviews, salvage relationships, renew faith or esteem in themselves, connect them with the next phase of their life, assist with educational endeavors, counsel on major life decisions, literally stand in the gap and encourage them out of a dark or hopeless place, given my last dollar leaving myself in the hole, I can't be mad. I can't even feel I've wasted myself on those no longer in my life. I was in the right place at the right time doing what I was supposed to be doing. I didn't get a paycheck or deposit in my bank account but I've been reminded God has been keeping score. Even enduring the hell of 2013/14. Recently seeing how each piece of that tragedy ministered to and gave hope to someone placed in my path helped me see I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

I love and appreciate the wife God blessed me with and the loving family He's constructed for me. There are still times it hurts and is hard not understanding why when it comes to romantic relationships, it seems no one wants to keep me. I can't count how many times I've been told, "you're a great woman," "you are a catch," "you're going to make someone happy," and on and on and on...just not them for one reason or another. It's hard not to wonder wtf is wrong with me that I haven't seen or corrected by now. If I'm so great, why are you not locking it down?

In the past I would become mean, jaded, closed off and build additional walls to further insulate the ones already there ensuring my armor would not be penetrated. Somehow...it never fails, I end up lowering the draw bridge and letting opportunity in. I used to think myself crazy to try again after being burned so many times. First time shame on you but every subsequent time, shame on me, right?? Recently it became clear to me it's not stupidity or insanity that reopens the door. It's the assurance of knowing God has designed me specifically the quirky way I am and for me to do or be anything different will not lead to fulfilling His perfect will, plan and purpose in my life. 

I don't know what the final outcome will be but I can reflect and see I have always been and given my best to everyone in my path from the janitor at work to my family to my besties. When I have moments of wanting to take back or collect the pieces of myself I felt I erroneously gave away, I later see I operated in such a way, no one can every question my heart, intent or motive. I walked in love; even when those I poured myself into weren't deserving. Isn't that what God did for us and has called us to do? I have peace knowing I have given and done my best by all. 

Some people are unable to recover from heartbreak and betrayal, never fully open or give of themselves again. As OFTEN as I've wanted and tried HARD to be that person, I appreciate the loving disposition I've been given as maybe one day I'll be open at the right time with the right person. I've sown so in due season I have to reap, right? He is not a liar and His Word is true, right?

Though I have not yet attained my heart's loftiest dream in this life, I was here. I have lived,  I have loved and I believe I matter to those I'm supposed to matter to. My mind may want to turn my heart into a frigid block of ice...in the end I'm glad my Spirit won't allow it.