¡Hola Dios! Soy yo.

"Me, myself, and I
That's all I got in the end
That's what I found out"

~ Destiny's Child - Me, Myself and I

2 Corinthians 9:7
"Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion"

Philemon 1:14
"I did not want to do anything, so that your goodness would not be, in effect, by compulsion but of your own free will."

I don't think there is ever a convenient time to be hospitalized, but Christmas and New Year's has to be worse than most. 

I know people have their own families, lives and agendas that don't include my rehospitalized self but I guess I expected a little more presence. When Christmas Eve came and went in silence and solitude, I think that's when reality set in.

I always thought I was a good and supportive friend to most. If someone needed a jump or ride to the airport, I was there. If someone was sick and shut in, I would get meds and food. I just thought that's what people are supposed to do. Maybe I didn't do it enough. I just can't imagine somone I care about telling me they are in liver failure (again) and things are so bad they are trying to transplant their liver with a healthy one from a dead person and I don't feel some type of compulsion to call or visit. 

Don't get me wrong, I've had calls and visits...just not from those I expected they would come from. My coworkers I've only known for three months have called and visited more than anyone which I found shocking. When things were rough, I did receive a few calls I couldn't return right away and appreciated the gesture. I've just found it disappointing to the extent I've had to assess myself those closest to me, with the most access I've seen or heard from the least or not at all.

I don't know why this surprises me as this happened previously when things weren't as serious. I even lost someone I thought was a good friend and adopted into the family. I called and left messages, reached out to their family, wondered if there was something going on with them I needed to be there for them for. Never heard from them again so apparently they weren't as great a friend as I thought. 

We are all different, have different needs and feel loved differently. My love languages are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. To not have either, be isolated in a hospital room for nearly a month is crushing to the Spirit. I'm glad I was already in a great head/Spiritual place as I know God is with me and I know He has a plan to prosper me, never to harm me. I know I've already won so I've been celebrating my victory in and myself. I do know the truth doesn't change whether I'm alone or not.

People continue to ask where my real family is...this isn't my farher's thing. He plays me in dominoes daily and texts if he has questions. My kid isn't a hospital visitor nor a real follow upper so that hasn't changed. My mother...continues to FaceTime me from various places to show me to people I don't know or care to see me like this so I finally just turned off face time. She of course offered to come stay with me to drive me hit I know that comes with feeding her and cleaning up behind her so I've opted to keeps workload down. Love her, just is who she is. I know she means well...

Recently someone asked what I was doing and seemed shocked when I said I was rehospitalized. What does it matter if I'm home or in the hospital if I don't talk to you or see you? I could be in the moon, you'd never know lol. I'm not pissed or anything like that, it just is what it is. 

People make time for what they want or feel is important. When I was in undergrad full time, working full time, raising a middle schooler, I still had parties, made cookies for friends, mailed goody packages, kept a long distance boyfriend happy and did what I thought was important. I've read that's how you know who really wants to be in your life...they make it happen. Hell, Clementyne drove from San Antonio three times with a boot on her foot or a kid in tow when I gave her several passes and excused her physical presence. 

Enlightening. 

For those I haven't been as good a friend as I strive to be, my sincerest apologies. Living and learning; I'll get better. For those that have come,  called or put forth a hip-hop-fantastic effort, thank you! It does not go unnoticed and I decree God bless you above and beyond the measure you've given of your heart. 

This is NOT a ploy to get contacts or visitors so don't feel the need to do anything. I'm not upset or mad. Just reflective, matter of fact and it is what it is. Again:

2 Corinthians 9:7
"Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion"

Philemon 1:14
"I did not want to do anything, so that your goodness would not be, in effect, by compulsion but of your own free will."