Topsy Turvy

 “Upside down

Boy, you turn me

Inside out

And round and round

Upside down

Boy, you turn me

Inside out

And round and round”

~ Diana Ross – Upside Down

 

Recently, I was diagnosed w/ Vertigo. Sigh. Tired of diagnoses period but that is a different rant. 

I have continued to downplay this diagnosis but am realizing I may be boxing in the dark. One moment I’ll feel slightly better and the next day, I’m throwing up again, room spinning or feel like I’m spinning. I started doing some online research last night trying to find a natural, home, or old-school remedy. What I discovered was this shit is no joke. I have continued to go to work and school and act like nothing is wrong because I don’t want to compromise the job I love.  

I am extremely frustrated that I lack of control. I can’t control when I feel dizzy or anticipate knowing exactly when it will happen. I have no control over the ringing sound in my ears. I cannot control feeling nauseated and vomiting all the time even when I’m not eating. When you have a cold or the flu, you can take medications to fight the symptoms. Doc said Vertigo is viral and, “you just have to let it run its course.” Well damn, how long is this ride? I wanna get off. 

 

Do you remember when you were a kid and the TV show you were watching would be interrupted with:  

“This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test.”  

Then there would be a loud, high pitched tone that would last for a few moments. Imagine THAT sound inside your head non-stop for days on end. I think I’m around three weeks of this. The ringing has been so constant that I got used to it. Then, I took it a step further. I started questioning if the ringing was always there and I just wasn’t paying attention or wondering if other people hear the same noise and just don’t say anything. It’s not normal. It wasn’t there before and no one can hear it…but me. 

 

The ringing isn’t so bad when I’m at work or someplace that has a lot of background noise. At night, lying in bed trying to go to sleep, seems like it gets louder. I understand my surroundings have just become quieter but that’s not how it feels. 

 

The dizziness. That aspect has actually become a little funny to me because it will happen at the oddest times. The only consistency with the spinning is when I get up in the morning, I have a hard time balancing for maybe 30 minutes. I feel like I’m teeter-tottering around my apartment like a toddler that is just learning to walk. Well after conducting research, I’m understanding this is not a good or minor thing. People get dizzy while driving and wreck, fall in their homes…and I live alone. I don’t think Chloee can get me up or call 911 if I crack my head on the floor. 

 

My wifey told me Nas had Vertigo recently so I looked it up. He was hospitalized and they said he’s still recovering. Damn. It’s hard for me to feel like this is serious when on the exterior or to someone looking at me, I don’t appear to have anything wrong. There are no gashes, amputated appendages or bandages that indicate my body has a boo boo. That’s part of how I keep talking myself into going to work. “I’m fine, I look fine. No one that doesn’t know what’s going on can tell. I’ll sit at my desk and not walk around.” I’m learning I don’t like to relinquish control. I’m a scheduled, routine, slightly OCD individual so something happening that isn’t on the list is not acceptable to me. 

 

Dr P wants me to go on FMLA, take some real and continuous time off to rest and try and assist my body in recovery. My best  friends keep asking when I’m going to sit my ass down somewhere.  I’m afraid to admit or submit to this by taking a leave of absence. I don’t want to jeopardize my job, give them the indication that I’m always sick so they can’t assign real cases to me or be irritated I’m out when we are such a small team. At the same time, I have to admit, sometimes it’s hard to focus and I know I’m not being as productive as I usually am. I get it done, just takes longer. I just shut my office door when I feel nauseated, feel like I or the room is spinning and/or throw up. Or lay on the floor w/ my wireless keyboard and Gmail chat. 

 

I’m thinking about it. I know I need to make a decision. I will…