No Need

“I woke up like this

I woke up like this

We flawless, ladies tell 'em

I woke up like this

I woke up like this

We flawless, ladies tell 'em

Say I look so good tonight

God damn, God damn

Say I look so good tonight

God damn, God damn, God damn”

Flawless – Beyoncé 

I went on a date this weekend. I was kinda put off when my date kept telling me, “You NEED a man.” The first time I thought it was funny, but by the 7^th or 8^th time, I was slightly irritated. I may have always been one of those chicks that have always wanted a man, but I have never subscribed to the idea that my life will be less fulfilling or I can’t be happy without one.

He asked why I had been single so long and I told him I chose to take some time off after being a serial monogamist. He said a couple years ago when he met me, I had too much going on since I was working full-time, going to school full-time, had some health issues etc. He said now that I didn’t have as much going on, he didn’t understand why anyone I’ve dated previously wouldn’t want to date me or why I wasn’t in a relationship. Uhhhhh, I haven’t been completely focused on trying to find a relationship. I think he and I agreed my previous selections may have been questionable but that’s just it, I’m not focused on picking these days. I believe having a partner and companionship would be great, however I don’t think it imperative to survival. Hell, I’ve made it this far alone. Now I have learned that a liver is vital to survival but I don’t think a man is. It’s not like I’m alone in life, I have friends, I have family.

Our conversation caught the attention of a stranger at the next table and I cracked up when the stranger summed me up in two sentences. The ear hustler said it sounded like I’m attracted to a certain energy, not necessarily a specific type. My sentiments exactly! My date seemed to believe I had unreasonable expectations or some super specific type that kept me closed off to anything that didn’t fit the mold. This couldn’t be further from true. I don’t expect a certain height. I may prefer a man taller than me with my heels on, but if I was in a committed, live-in relationship with someone I towered over in heels, apparently it wasn’t a requirement. I’ve dated all hues from light, bright damn near white to so dark brown they almost appear black. I’ve dated professional, blue collar, younger, older. I have preferences but I don’t ever declare any absolutes.

The conversation did remind me of a few things I enjoyed more than others. I was like hmmmm, is it a coincidence I have dated a few closet DJs or people into music? I started noticing that I like the creatives. I like the liberal, freer spirits. I was about to say I didn’t know how I ended up in relationships with super conservative people that boxed my free side but certain levels of conservatism usually comes a healthy dose of control that led to a being locked down and slowly lured away from all things free lol!

I have finally gotten comfortable in my skin and emancipated to the point I can never be put in a box again. I can’t survive that way. I believe I have literally internally imploded from years of trying to stay within the lines and confines of other’s expectations. These days, the moment I being to feel pinned in, I bolt. I can’t do it. I have mint green nail polish on both my hands and feet at this very moment. Something I wasn’t permitted to do when living in the box. Neva-no-mo! I’m silly and interject song lyrics into ANY conversation as I constantly hear music. I have visible tattoos. I don’t know what the next step is with this natural hair, but I know I like the freedom to decide how I want to wear my hair not considering the conservative thoughts of how my image will affect my career or ability to make money.

Speaking of, my date was going down the list of things people need and said a job was one of them. I laughed at the thought and then verbalized it just to get a reaction...I don’t NEED a job either. I told him I hadn’t been gainfully employed over two months in the past calendar year, was still living and breathing so obviously I didn’t need that to survive either. He told me at that point I was just being silly but I meant it. Would I prefer to have a job as a means of income, yes, however I learned how to be creative and survived without one so it isn’t a necessity.

My takeaway from this banter and being told what I need was seeing more clearly what I want. What I want is someone that sees me and accepts me as is.  Someone that not only compliments the unique collection of ideations that make me who I am but further inspires me to creativity and embracing the liberated me.