First Round Draft Pick

 

“Thank God you blew it

 I thank God I dodged a bullet

 I'm so over you

 So baby good lookin' out

'Cause honestly you turned out to be the (best thing I never had)

 You turned out to be the (best thing I never had)

 And I'm gonna' always be the (best thing you never had)

 Oh yeah, I bet it sucks to be you right now”

~ Beyonce – Best Thing I Never Had

 

Doing some reflection, I was thinking about a couple previous relationships that didn’t work out. I recall a few instances when I was giving and giving and pouring and pouring to no avail. This caused me to think about the times I gave up, chalked my investments up as a loss and forced myself to get on with my life, just for them to come back and profess their undying love for me

 

Hmmmmmm. Why is it when they come back, say and do everything I’ve always wanted them to say and do...instead of being excited and overjoyed to finally get what I wanted, I feel enraged? Why is it when I decide to move on w/ my life, pray, release, deal with my mental and then I’m handed everything I claim to have ever wanted on a silver platter, I turn the platter over or knock the contents on the ground?  

I think I figured it out …it’s about choice. I don’t ever want to be the afterthought, backup plan or second choice. If I wasn’t chosen initially, I don’t find it endearing to be chosen after the fact. I will never be elated once you’ve seen that the grass isn’t greener…or it is greener but that water bill or upkeep to keep it green is  not something you want to deal with. Why wasn’t I enough when you had the opportunity initially? I haven’t changed. Anyone that knows me knows I’m the sammmmmme ol’ C. Love that I’ve always been. I’m a little older but still the same person at the core. The heart of who I am has never changed. Yes, I’ve finally learned how to say no and not allow others to take me for granted or treat me like a doormat and I think that is part of me being opposed to someone trying to come back a day late and a dollar short.  

If we were in a relationship or you spent any significant amount of time around me, you know what you see is what you get. So why is it that when I’m trying and we’re supposed to be in this together, it’s one sided? Why is it that because of your uncertainties about the future, you want to shelve C. Love, see what else is out there, if you can do better and when you realize you can’t, come back and I’m expected to joyously welcome you with open arms. Uhhhh No. I don’t work like that.  

I can’t play second fiddle. I’m faithful, loyal, compromising and accommodating to a fault. So if I’ve done all I can, you put me on hold or walk then come back with the, “Now I see all of what you are or what I had,” No, Sir. Who I am or my value is no surprise to you. You just didn’t want to invest in case you found a better investment opportunity. You wanted options. You valued these options more than you valued the beauty of who I am. 

 

I don’t think it’s wrong to expect to want to be the first and only choice. If I’m coming at them like that, why would it be absurd for me to expect the same level of reverence and respect? If I put a man on hold, said I wanted to focus on my career, school, life, family so I could be single longer and see what’s out there, came back and decided, “oh, I like you the best so I’m back” I don’t think that would go over so well. So why should I be expected to co-sign that same bullshit?  

I have always been a person that believes you make time for what you want in life. If something or someone really matters, you will find a way to value what matters and ensure the value is recognized. During undergrad, I went to school full-time (UT didn’t have evening undergrad courses), overloaded my course loads during the summer with up to 17 yours, worked full time, was a single parent of a middle schooler, paid the mortgage, managed the household and STILL made time to devote toward people I cared about. I held my man down during all of this w/ no assistance from him emotionally or monetarily. I did whatever I felt was necessary to prioritize the people that mattered in my life.  

When someone comes to me years later and says they didn’t appreciate me when they should have but they do now and would like the opportunity to show me I get royally pissed off. I appreciated you. I showed you. I’m not about to stand on my head and turn a flip just because you suddenly realize you think I’m great. I was great from the beginning. You made a choice. We all have to live w/ the consequences of our choices. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  

I understand myself enough to be honest and say I need to know that I’m first choice. It took some time, but I have realized my value and earning potential. I can’t swallow feeling like I was an afterthought. Rather I won’t. I’ve been treated like a second class citizen the majority of my life by all manner of persons from family, coworkers to romantic relationships though I’ve never treated anyone I cared about that way. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to expect to be respected or treated the way I treat others. Seed time and harvest. You get what you give. And I believe since I’ve always given my best I deserve to receive someone’s best; not a consolation prize.  

I may currently be a free agent but I know I’m first round draft pick material. I am not signing w/ a team that selects another player first round, gets around to me third or fourth round, then realizes I was the better player that should be started. No. I deserve the best contract, sign on bonus and what comes w/ going first round. I’m not about to let someone shortchange me by picking me up in the later rounds and tries to brainwash me into believing the hype that I should be happy to even be chosen or be offered a contract at all. I’m a start player. If you don’t see that, another team will. I know I shined at the Combine…and you do too or you wouldn’t be trying to renegotiate.