The Whole Damn Cow

 

“Clearly I am not a fat ass

 I am active brain

 And lip smacking peach deep

 Sometimes too aggressive in its honesty

 And heart sweet

 That loves wholly and completely…

…I am gifted

I am all of this

And indeed the Shit

 Clearly I am not just an ass”

~ Jill Scott - Womanifesto 

It sucks to love someone and they don’t love you back. Even if they do, they have such commitment and intimacy issues that they won’t allow themselves to be in a real relationship with anyone.  After hitting my head against the brick wall repeatedly, I'm glad I finally figured it out…before I got a concussion.

The old adage is true, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free. I’m not simply speaking of sex but more so everything that makes me me. The cooking, thoughtful gifts, educational and career motivation, esteem building, and all the other over and above things I find myself naturally inclined to do. I think some of us women that have not received the love and support we should have earlier in our lives subconsciously give to our partner in attempts to be accepted and loved. We think the more we give, do and be, the more they will see how great we are and do it back; make us feel accepted. Well at least looking at myself and my path, I’m realizing that’s what I had been doing (past tense).  

Men and relationships don’t automatically comply with the whole seed-time & harvest. Just because I pour into someone, doesn’t mean they are going to pour back. Especially if there is no bond, commitment or covenant inclining them to do so. Who doesn’t want to be taken care of? Would I complain if someone were taking care of me? And just because someone is being taken care of me, does that mean they have to take care of me in return? No. It’s ideal, and we should all treat others as we want to be treated but everyone has free will. Just like I have a past that makes me vulnerable and desirous of emotional security, whoever is on the other side comes as an amalgamation of their individual experiences.  

So. After weighing it long and hard, researching it and even praying about it I decided no more milk if you don’t buy the whole damn cow. I know I’m worth buying. No matter what has occurred up to this point in my life, the person that I am is worthy of being committed to, loved and valued. I’m not giving away my value. It must be bought. I wouldn’t just get my jewelry box out, stand on the corner and start giving away diamonds. So if I expect compensation for material things, how much more should I expect compensation for the worth of me? Oh, and different countries have different currencies so what might work as compensation in one place won’t work in another. So it is for humans. Not only do I now require compensation, but the correct form of payment.  

Big, scary, lonely step…but I’m taking it.