almost 37

 

I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreaming but,

There’s a voice inside my head saying, you'll never reach it.

Every step I'm taking, every move I make feels

Lost with no direction, my faith is shaking,

But I, I gotta keep trying.

I gotta keep my head held high

~ The Climb – Miley Cyrus
 

i feel like my window for the life i desire to have is closing...youth.

 

with every day that passes so dissipates my belief in the opportunity or desire to have a family, getting married blah blah. i'm damn near 40. it's like i woke up recently and realized i'm almost 37. what happened? where did the 30s go?? i had hoped to work hard in order to enjoy the benefits while still young. i never imagined my life being what it is at 37.

part of this is my fault. wasting time. cognitively i understand that. just trying to get my feelings in line w/ the writing plainly written on the wall. guess it just takes time? never thought i'd be as over the ex as i am so i guess that's progress.
 

i'm almost 37. i can't say i don't have anything to show for it at all since i have 2.5 degrees and a job that i believe is cultivating my earning potential. i don't know if it's the new year or what but the reality of 37 feels heavy and sad. i expected to feel this at 35 and didn't who knew it would hit at 36.8 

my best friend said we need to look at this like we are growing into ourselves. she said she didn’t understand when others' time and goals became more important than our own but that’s basically what they tell by their actions us when they put us on hold like that. our time and goals aren't as valuable to us as theirs because we're willing to give them our time 

i think i need to be a bit more selfish than i have been. no one is going to value me and my goals if i don't demand it or do it myself. i look at the past 10 years and the men i've supported and built that are now flourishing and i'm still in the same spot and wonder if i had been as focused on myself as i was about boosting them, where would i be now?

i wish the desire to be with someone would be taken away for a while or something to avoid distraction and channel that energy to fuel more productive efforts, i was fine when i wasn't overwhelmed. i notice when i start feeling like i'm drowning is when i desire someone to be there and support or help or just be there. with the health battles and financial debacle that has resulted from said health battles, i’m tired. 

i will just keep reminding myself to focus on my goals and moving forward, not what it feels like i’ve squandered. this too shall pass.