The Tipping Point

“More tender than a ‘Roni, but harder than a jawbreaker…so don’t ever second guess me. “ ~ MC Lyte

I was in the gym (my sanctuary) venting on some weights when my favorite MC Lyte song came on. I started thinking about those who take my kindness for weakness…don’t do it. LOL!

All my life I think I’ve been the same person, I’m just getting a better understanding of who that is. I remember when my parents considered me the spawn of satan so they scheduled meetings for me with Pastor; weekly for counseling, which I’m sure they hoped would be exorcisms. There are many things Pastor’s said over the years that stuck with me, but one of the first times we met he asked me, “Are you a good person doing bad things or a bad person doing what comes naturally?”

The more I thought about the question, I knew I wasn’t a bad person, but I also didn’t think I was doing “bad” things. To me bad things were drugs, sex, stealing, fighting etc. I didn’t think not finishing chores before the timer went off was so horrific. Now that I have a teenager of my own, I’m pretty sure some of the stupid stuff I did just comes w/ the territory. I know they considered me rebellious since I listened to “that rap music”. Aside from putting parts in my eyebrows and hiding my NWA tapes, that’s about as rebellious as I got. As I got older and tried weed and a couple other things on the bad list, I’ll admit I was no saint but I still don’t think I was a bad person.

As an adult, I now feel like I have an inner battle raging. I know I’m a compassionate, loving, giving person that sincerely hurts over the pain of others. However, I’ve seen the other side of me that can be cruel, mean, calculating and vengeful. How can this be? How can I be sweet as sunshine and volatile as a volcano all at the same time? I started looking at the eruptions in my life along with those standing on the other side of bridges I torched and realized I have a tipping point.

Those that know me think I’m soft, a pushover, give too many second chances, allow others to take advantage of me out of my genuine desire to love and support the broken…BUT once I reach that point, something snaps inside and I’ve yet to see myself go back. Those I’ve cut off have remained cut off. I can’t identify a time frame or a number of times to be burned, I can just say when it happens, it happens. Forget you knew me because I don’t know you anymore.

With the past years cut off list, I keep encountering those who think in time I’ll let it go and allow certain people I’ve banished from my life to return…uhhhh doubt it. The more I think about it/them, the more my blood boils thinking of how long I continued to stand erect with the letters ‘EVERLAST’ across my face. No more. They reached the point of no return.

Just because society thinks you should be forever connected to certain people, I refuse to be connected to anything that will hold me down, slow me down or pull me in the opposite direction of where I’m headed. If you can’t get w/ the program as I climb this mountain, I’ll cut you loose and watch you fall as I climb higher and faster free of dead weight. This includes family. I hear things said like “blood is thicker than water” and “family is forever”. Family are the only people in your life you don’t choose. They are given to you by birth regardless of what type of people they are. Just because they are family, if they aren’t loving, honest, supportive and positive, why would you elevate them above someone who was all of these things in your life and your family is the opposite? Call me crazy but that’s stupid. It’s all good if your family is made of people with morals, values and like beliefs. If your mom is an abusive, alcoholic and your father a selfish, deadbeat, why would you elevate them above the person that’s been there for you, helped you through school, to get a job, get on your feet or been an upstanding citizen in your life? Just because they are your parents, they’re still people that have the free will to choose whether they will have character or not.

Anyway, I said all this to say I’m ok with being both. Some days I’m sugar & spice and everything nice, other days I’m your worst nightmare come to life. It be’s that way sometime, I can’t control the rhyme. If you cross my path, I’ll do all I can to encourage, befriend, help and grow you…but as a hood chick might say, “Bitch, don’t try me!”